April 2018 blog

It takes courage to be a mother. Sometimes we regret having to experience something that should’ve broken us. I want to remind you that it is your COURAGE that makes you victorious.

 

This story may not be yours, personally, but it is a story that so many mothers have to face. If you are a mother that has had to face tragedy, I want to remind you that your story/ your experience has purpose. That child/ that experience has and will impact others. You have to understand that even though we don’t always know the answer to why something has happened, we have to keep going. We have to do it because the world needs us. We were all born from a woman. Women are resilient and tenacious. DON’T GIVE UP!

 

***disclaimer**** This is a very sensitive topic about stillborn. If you are not ready, don’t read this poem. I encourage you to keep going and use this poem as a way to uplift your spirits and know that there are women just like you who are in pain. You don’t have to suffer alone.

~Anise 

Courage

By: Anise Marshall

 

 

The day had started out unexpected.

 

With tears billowing, like boulders on the side of a cliff,

hurriedly,

falling one by one onto my sunken chest, I took in a gulp of air.

 

Splotched bouts of pink appear across my quivering cheekbones,

Taking in the air as quick as I could…

only to lose my breath again.

 

Breathe. Go again. Breathe

 

My hands, griped tightly on the railings of the bed,

baring down with every last ounce of energy, one more push…. Yet,

 

I paused--- wondering if I was, honestly, ready to bring you into this world. I didn’t want this to be over.

 

 

A vision… into the future of what would have… could have been.

 

That is what would give me peace of mind, surely.

 

As if it could be a reality, those thoughts, they teased my aching heart…

 

when I fantasized about the kind of child you would become.

 

The lingering fragrance of Enfamil or breast milk, in every one of your breaths. Something I’d never take for granted...

 

Like your faint smiles that would grow so BIG as you dreamed, I wondered if those dreams had me in them…

 

If you had dreamt about a time I made you feel loved, made you feel like you mattered, like you were making a difference…

 

 I’d imagine how your half-crooked smirk imitated that of your fathers.

 

You would be so creative…

broken crayons would always be scattered upon the floor.

Bittersweet blues stockpiled against the razzle dazzle rose and, not to mention, the jungle greens….

 

all memories of a time that would never come to pass.

 

Back to reality. It was time. This time, it took my breath away…

 

One long, sharp pinch scuttled its way on a painful journey to the top of my spine.

 

Stillness.

Intermission.

The silence was deafening.

Time took a break.

 

It was a silence I never knew existed.

 

The room gave no movement, nor did the people inside it.

 

How was THIS fair? How did THIS make sense? Why does THIS happen? I’d done everything right. I’d hoped for you. I grew close to your growing body, inside my womb.

 

I had only found out, hours before we arrived here, that you had already left me behind. They said, “it just happens.”

 

No one had answers.

Although I wanted them, it STILL would not bring you back.

I had to create memories that never existed, just to stop it from hurting so bad.

 

 

There you were. In the doctor’s hands. So tiny. So fragile.

Your perfect little body… that would never get a chance to suckle the sweet milk from my breast.

 

I cradled you in my arms. So delicate and warm,

I brushed the tips of my fingers along the lining of your jaw and admired your features. Your skin was as soft as the fuzz on a sweet ripe peach.

 

You lay there… in my arms, swaddled inside the blanket, I chose, when I discovered that you chose me to be your mother.

 

In spite of your spirit not being present, this moment was better than not having one at all. You STILL had purpose. You STILL had an impact. You STILL GAVE ME A REASON TO KEEP LIVING.

 

I loved you…I’ve always loved you…I will never stop loving you.

 

You grew cold after a while…

 

I will never forget the warmth you gave me when I first rocked your tiny body in my arms. 

 

I held you tight. I didn’t want to let you go. I coddled you. Pressed you against my beating heart…

for one,

 the one and only time.  

 

The day had ended as expected.

© 2017 By: Anise Marshall, M.S.ED

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